first comes love, then comes...

OK. There were a few guys at my work today chatting near my desk about marriage and how it's showing commitment and how they've moved in with their girlfriend and therefore they'll be getting married soon...HOLD THE PHONE! What is wrong with this picture?(besides the beads of sweat and my mouse hovering over purchasing a one way ticket out of the country)
I know I flick wildly between being totally ready and completely not, but I think when I say ready I mean I can see myself in the future being ready. I am so far off that right now; I am at the start of my career (again) and haven't done any of the travelling and living I want to do before I lose me into an us. I am too selfish to put a family's needs before my own - call that childish, I call it honest and realistic: if I did that now I would resent it and be unhappy.
But most of all, I think I need to know that everything could, and will, change. I need life to be completely unpredictable and the thought of fixing something solid for the rest of my life - to say that would mean that things won't change, can't change.
I need to know things can change, and will change: it's the only thing keeping me smiling. First comes love. Let there be love, for now.

Rebel

I chose this picture to go with this blog because I look like a Tomb Raider wannabe (ready for anything was what I was going for there, although I look kind of sad, in hindsight, which is also sort of fitting). I have been recently feeling like things are going to change in my life and, if I am totally honest, I want things to change - I want to move out and have my own space and independence back; I want to have more control over my career; I want to travel the world; and I want to throw myself at challenges. Every so often (I'd guess at around 6 monthly intervals, although there's no specific timing) I do something fairly dramatic in rebellion against the normality of my life: I become overwhelmed with the ease of day-to-day activities that I feel the urge to change something and make a challenge or a self-defining act. The most recent example of this was, on a frustrated whim about 2 months ago, getting a big tattoo around my right thigh; I'd wanted this tattoo for about a year and had doodled it a couple of times, but I knew the bf didn't want me to get it and it was a big choice when I wasn't 100% sure...then one day in town it was suddenly either cut all my hair off or get the tattoo - so I booked the tattoo (what? I love my hair).
Now I feel an even bigger life-eruption coming, and the dust cloud of my discontent (haha) is already blooming over my international waters (er, what?). I want to move out, have my own space. And work is frustrating me, if they can't help I'll be really tempted to go elsewhere where they might offer me a quicker track to qualification and better money - which would make me a little sad because I enjoy my job and leaving would be a gamble (it doesn't help I've been approached twice this week by people trying to poach me). I wonder what will happen, something big is brewing and I am anxious and slightly worried if it'll be good or bad for me (usually the latter, so understandably worried).
In a nutshell, I don't know what I want, although I don't know what the choices are either...
...it looks like I'll need those fingerless gloves and obliques...

Degar Ballet

In our ballet performance in a few weeks we are doing ballet inspired by Degar; this particular picture is being recreated on stage, all the lights down and just a spotlight on a girl tying her ballet shoe ribbon and then she starts to move and other girls come on stage, tying their hair up and brushing off their dresses and then their ballet class begins with them at the barre.
The bit I am excited about? I got picked to be the girl from the picture! :D

Look!...Textbook!

Sorry I haven't blogged for a little while; I have been very busy and all over the country (in fact, I've only 30 minutes now before I have to dash off, but more about that later).
At the end of last block at college we had a presentation to the managers from around the country and the MD of the entire company - a bit of a contradiction he turned out to be: a pleasant glasweigan with a look of a young Hitler. We were all pretty scared and my stomach went fruit loops on the morning but I got through that and did a good presentation, which my area manager came into and later said my technical answers were excellent, telling me I should consider being an engineer (since I work with him sometimes in my capacity as a commercial student, I am really hoping he wasn't telling me to quit my day job). My review later in the day was pretty much that I'm getting distinctions across the board and to just keep it up - so that's encouraging but I still have a hefty load of work left to do before I finish in November (ready for the degree and a pay rise to just about minimum wage...sigh). Since those last sleep-deprived days at college (in which I found out lack of sleep won't kill you, it'll just make you wish it did) I have been across to see my mum and get a little advice; money is a huge constraint on my life at the moment (I am paid almost nothing. Literally. I'd tell you how much but you wouldn't believe me) and I have taken a risky plunge to ask my work for help paying for accommodation as the bf's family are moving and they're downsizing. I really miss having my own space and my own home and I think my biggest ambition is to claw that independence back. I'll let you know what they say (I'm expecting a "take a hike" response).
The big news from today was I went to see a Pysiotherapist for the first time ever; I don't mind admitting I had no idea what it would entail and I felt like it'd largely be irrelevant to me. How wrong I was. I was there because I have mild Ehlers Danlos Syndrome. I am actually already fed up of people saying "oh so there's nothing wrong with you" because actually there is, I just don't want to admit it - maybe they're doing me a favour with unintentional reverse-psychology. Anyway, in short I've been given just 2 exercises to do (mostly focussing on my spacky shoulders) and then they'll give me more next time I go. I'm glad I went now, and she said I can decide my next appointment so I think after my holiday will be good timing.
This might seem a bit left field, but I wanted to thank my sister at this point, an eds princess - every day she is changing my perspective and teaching me so much (almost too much, I feel like I need a few run ups sometimes) and it is incredible how she knows me better than I know myself. So thank you, Nem - you make me try harder for more.
Bringing it back to today, I (now) have 10 minutes before I need to scoot and get dressed for my first ever Athletics club meeting - H and N are going with me (3 girls :) so hopefully it'll be OK - my right hip is a little sore after the Physio discovered she could pull it out of socket easily so I am hoping that doesn't hurt tomorrow :\ The title of this blog is me quoting my physio talking to her student and pointing at my feet as I sat on the table, and the photo is from the last night at college before going out to celebrate finishing.

Warning: excessive time spent on park benches can lead to introspection

So the other day we were released from college early (I use the term released because it does feel like serving time, only without the satellite TV, video games and good social life) and I decided, since it was sunny, I was going to walk down to the Mersey and sunbathe; I took my copy of The Big Issue with me to read, stuck my headphones in and set out. It was nice on the bench in the sun (even with the boats, ferries, buses, cars, fighter planes and helicopters going back and forth): I sat back and read my magazine and when that finished I found myself laid down dozing. I spent a good 2 hours (plus) on that bench and returned again today but it wasn't as sunny - in fact walking home I got quite wet with big ploppy rain drops (which was equally as lovely as sitting in the sun). I have decided to adopt that bench as my introspection-seat/home if I ever get sacked.
One of the things I thought about, whilst the slightly awkward wooden bench realigned my spine into something resembling a roadkill snake, was how much my character has evolved in the past 10 years or so. Living here with young guys would've driven me round the bend 10 years ago - the kitchen is a constant health hazard and outside my door there is an impressive selection of bottle tops to stand on in my morning haze, not to mention the 4am drunken wake up calls. I am not painting a pretty picture here but, to be honest, I am quite happy. I don't like the mess and the dirt (I just spent a good hour of my Friday night antibacterialising every surface I could find, including walls, and cleaning the week's worth of dishes until my hands aged 60 years) but I am so much more tolerant and patient than my younger self was. I used to be quite firey, irrational, unfair and selfish - now I am more patient, forgiving, tolerant and selfish.
It's good to have something left to work on.

38 days

So I am on Day 38 of the No Sugar stint and once again a fruit smoothie saves the day. I am also on Day 8 of the countdown to going back home - slightly more alarming when you know how much work we've to do before then.
I have an exciting weekend planned with my good Scouser friend C; we're going to tour the Cathedrals of Liverpool during the day and then it's back to the K for shape-making on the night.
Annoyingly I left my digital camera in the Brizzle so I will only have C's camera and my camera on my phone (which is a Nokia and therefore crap) so fingers crossed C brings his camera on our geekfest.
x

American Movie Plots Are Realistic

(Excuse the crap over-exposure on that "Myspace" style photo - Nokia phones have crap cameras...there's no excuse for the pose) I just realised when I said I had nothing to say recently I was talking absolute pap; I actually have an excellent story for you which proves that all those gooey american chick flicks are realistic story lines.
I'll start at the beginning (don't worry, it's not a long story). When I was in secondary school (high school) I had a massive crush on the school's popular guy: he was tall and tanned and fit as hell (who is like that in their teens? not human) and the top sportsman and A* student, everyone's friend...you get the idea. Me and my friend H had this extremely geeky afternoon in class when we doodled a department store with people on different floors depending on how hot they were (he was top floor, we were basement level). He knew I fancied him and he never made fun of me like some other kids did (you have to realise I was a frizzy-haired, freckly geek.
Fast forward to present day and he is now an extremely successful and famous person in his field and I am, well just an older version of me then only now with hair straighteners. So he started talking to me via a popular electronic method (see how I make this annonymous? haha) and he started flirting with me which I quite enjoyed because I am pretty flirty as a person and always enjoy the banter of flirting but then he got a bit blunt, which was a little alarming on a few levels but putting aside infidelity for the moment (ha) HOW COOL IS THAT? The boy you used to fancy, still a total adonis and stupidly intelligent (and on 6 figures, if you're into that kind of thing) fancies you, the geeky frizzy-haired bookish geek. AMERICAN MOVIES ARE ACCURATE. I just thought I should share that with you. I always thought those plot lines were far-fetched but apparently not (although they possibly leave out the unashamed infidelity and guiltless bad behaviour of the protagonist - although that'd make for a better film; perhaps I should write a screenplay)
If you're wondering how the reality series ended, it ended with hysterical laughter at this end between myself and an old school friend I once drew a picture of a department store with...
I've quite enjoyed regressing back to when I was 15 - nice place to visit but you wouldn't want to live there.

flirting with Big Issue sellers

Hello All - it's been a few days, again I've had a stint where I've not really had anything to tell you. Things are busy at college, we've presentations in front of the MD of the entire company next week and we've been told nothing on it so we will be crazily unprepared for it. We had a thing today where a guy from HR came to college and asked us to brainstorm reasons why we work there and what the brand means and, to be honest, I thought it was a little insensitive of them: they asked us how to attract the best employees - all this after yet another wave of redundancies and a merger which left a lot of disgruntled and unhappy employees (changing existing job titles to lower positions, etc). It was a shame it wasn't a forum for feedback, but it's becoming clear that this isn't a company that listens or responds to constructive critism at all.
In other news, I flirted with a Big Issue seller today, not quite sure what came over me.
I completed the 30 Day No Sugar challenge and felt like it was a little too easy, not that it was easy it just wasn't as hard as I thought it'd be, so now I am doing a running total to see how long I can go: it's like running (if you've ever been on a treadmill you'll understand) where you start to struggle but you try to keep going as long as possible...when will it end?